Dissecting The Book: Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph

I've just finished reading Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph and because I have a sad tendency to forget the contents of books I've read and I won't be able to return to re-read this library-borrowed book, I've decided to dissect it here. Section by section, a summary of the main points of the book and my personal thoughts on them.

Overall, it was a very useful read. I learned some things, and had some things I already knew reinforced in my mind. I was expecting a little bit more from it maybe, so felt that it was a tad bit disappointing in terms of what I managed to learn from it. But still, I'm very glad to have taken the time to read it and no regrets there!

3 stages of boyhood: timeless and universal

1st stage - birth to 6. This is when the boy primarily belongs to his mother. This is the gentle age when babies are babies and gender does not matter when it comes to what they truly need - love, affection, and a welcoming introduction to life. Unfortunately, many parents tend to bring gender differences to the forefront based on personal prejudices and beliefs, by treating boys more harshly and giving girls more cuddles. What matters is that one or two people love the child and make him central for these few years. This will help develop inner security, and acquire skills of intimate communication and a love for learning and interaction. This is also why early childcare is not good for boys, as they are more prone to separation anxiety and to becoming emotionally shut down. It is then they develop restless or aggressive behaviour.

2nd stage - 6 to 13. Here, they learn to be male. Boys' masculinity switches on at 6 - it is a big change and at 6, little boys lock on to their dads, in their bid to "study how to be male". This is when boys do everything they can to get the attention of their dads, including acting out and falling sick, or developing any problematic behaviours, especially if their dads ignore them. At the same time, boys still need their mothers. They need to be able to count on mom and know that tender feelings still have their place. Withdrawing mom's presence results in the boy shutting down his tender and loving part to deal with the grief and pain - and here's where you get men who are emotionally restricted and awkward. This is the time for fathers to step up, make time and really enjoy time with their sons.

3rd stage - 14 onwards. When boys become men. This is when boys need mentors - strong men who can exert positive influences in their lives, adults who are invested and truly care about the wellbeing of the boy. This is when the boys seek answers to bigger questions and desire to become a part of the wider society. And when positive influences cannot be found in the form of good mentors, these boys turn to peer groups and friends. I'm sure you can see how that can be dangerous - in fact, we all know that this is when our teenage boys "fall into the wrong crowds" and walk down the wrong paths. But this can also be the time when they discover their passions and do a greater good for the community and the society as a while.

I found this section to be the most helpful of the whole book. Knowledge is a powerful tool and knowing what is needed for my son at each stage of his life, will ensure that I do everything I can to make it happen for him.

I guess inherently, I've always known that no one else can be as good for him in these early years of his life as his parents. Which is why I've chosen to stay home and focus my energies on him. He is my everything now, just as I (along with his daddy) am his everything. I'm okay with that, because I know it will not be forever. I personally know how very important it is to show him affection and demonstrate to him as often as I can that he is loved and adored. Perhaps it stems from my own childhood, with not much physical affection from my parents. I don't remember "I love yous" and hugs and kisses for no apparent reason. I remember the exact opposite - of being told to go away and "your hair very ticklish" and "very hot, don't sit so close to me". I vowed that my son will know without a doubt that I love him and it is a wonderful thing to be able to demonstrate our affection for the people we love. It is my goal to raise my son to be a man who is capable of showing affection, who is not awkward with hugs and kisses, who is able to communicate his feelings.

As for the second stage, I am confident it would not be too big of a problem because my son has a wonderful father, who cannot wait till he is old enough to join him in father-son activities like fishing and camping and trekking and playing with model aeroplanes and cars. I truly believe that Jude will enjoy his time with Xander when the time comes, but at the same time would not hesitate to stand firm by my side when it comes to discipline and rules. The 5 fathering essentials suggested in the book - starting early, making time, being demonstrative, enjoying your kids, and taking responsibility - are things that Xander's daddy is already making as effort to do. Heck, he was the one who looked for the book of his own accord to read and learn more about raising a boy. Sad to say, when I was reading it, I couldn't help but feel a deep sense of sadness for my little brother, who does not have the fortune of such a father. Perhaps he may still turn out okay... but who knows?

The third stage would be the most challenging for me. Because it involves handing over the reins of raising my son to the greater community and other men out there. I will start to lose total control over the things he learn and the messages he receive. I guess it is inevitable, and I take heart in knowing that I still have the power to carefully select mentors that will be allowed in his life, most of the time. I know now that there is so much energy in the teenage boy and inherently, these energies seek good outlets of expression and by playing an active role in his life, I can at least try and guide these energies into positive channels - such as joining a uniform group or volunteering at the animal shelter, that sort of thing.

There is a difference between boys' and girls' brains

A baby boy's brain develops more slowly than a baby girl's. In a boy's brain, there are less connections between the left and right sides. Boys should preferably start school 1 year later compared to girls because they are slightly more delayed in fine-motor coordination and are still in a stage of gross motor development, meaning they lack the ability to sit still. Eventually they'll catch up, but it's also important to ensure they don't already feel like failures and get turned off from learning from an early age. Boy are not inferior, just different. They have more developed right-brains, making them more action oriented and mathematically or mechanically inclined.

This will remind me to never compare my child with another, let alone with girls. It'll be like comparing apples to bananas. Just like how it has never, and will never, do my brother any good to be compared to his 3 sisters. He is his own person, and he is so drastically different from us. I know he has been compared to us all his life, with him being told that "your sisters were never like that"! Somehow, it is a innate tendency of parents in the culture I grew up in to say things like that, which is kind of sad really.

Today, feminism is widespread. But I've also realised that instead of feminism, the movement has become somewhat anti-male. There's is a huge difference between the 2 in my opinion, but I won't get into it here. But safe to say that there is the risk that our boys will grow up being told over and over again that females can be better than them or that they are not better than women, and even face with prejudice ("men can't be early childhood teachers, they are not caring enough or patient enough or worse, what if they are just paedophiles?"). It is important to make sure he knows that men are important too, and as the author writes: "men built the planes, fought the wars, laid the railroad tracks, invented the cars, built the hospitals, invented the medicines and sailed the ships".

What dads can do

This section of the book affected me quite a lot to be honest. Again because of the father-son relationships I witness within my immediate circle - whether it be my father and brother, my uncle and cousin, my grandfather and father. It just reinforced my belief that it is a vicious vicious cycle that perpetuates itself from generation to generation when it comes to the attitudes and values of the men. It also reinforced my belief that it is my responsibility to break that cycle, by ensuring my son will not view them as role models, even if it means isolating the relationship. Sad, but it is what it is.

The author tells us that kids learn the attitudes of their fathers - not just from what is said to them, but also what they observe. And then they absorb and it becomes a part of them. Sons learn to feel by watching their dads and other men. If they learn that feelings such as sadness can only be expressed when transformed into something else such as anger, they lose the ability to recognise and express their true feelings.

When reading about how dad play a crucial role in teaching boys to respect women, my heart sank. There will come a point where my son will grow to be bigger than me. When it would occur to him that I can no longer physically make him do something. Perhaps he may try his hand at intimidating me and challenging my authority. This is where his father would have to step in to ensure I will never feel intimidated in my own home, by my own child. If his father is the real deal who respects me, he would have the credibility to ensure our son would be put promptly in his place. He needs to realise that in his parents he has 2 adults who respect and support each other, and who are determined to bring him up well. It makes me very very sad to know that in his father, my brother will see a man who very obviously has no respect for women, and this is the attitude he will learn. Or will it? Time will tell, and we can only hope.

Dads really do matter and mothers cannot do it all. Boys with absent fathers (whether physically or emotionally) are statistically more likely to be violent, get hurt, get into trouble, do poorly in school, and be members of gangs. Fatherless daughters are more likely to have low self-esteem, to have sex before they really want to, get pregnant, be assaulted, and not continue with their studies. I am not ashamed to say that I am part of that statistic, even though I have a father who was mostly physically present. When seeking help from psychological professionals, I am told that I have "daddy issues", and it explains my teenage promiscuity and rebellion. And there's the assault and pregnancy and studies statistics as well. Let's not go into details there, shall we? It's not pretty. And my own experience is why I've always been very afraid of ever having a daughter... I don't think I'd be able to handle my daughter going through what I went through. But now I'm not so scared... because I know she would have a father who would be right there for her. If I have a daughter one day.

Mothers and boys

I love being a mother to a boy. I love knowing that I have a crucial role to play in ensuring my son will be an addition to the crop of "good men" in this world, that is so sadly dwindling each time we stop and look. I know my prejudices and preformed judgement about males will have a huge effect on how I raise my boy. Is that a bad thing? The authors discourage it... but I'm not too sure. I know what kind of morals, values and attitude I want to instill in him and if it has come from a place where "I don't want him to be like that", what real harm does it do? The author also writes that little boys learn about girls and how to get along with them from their mothers, and that it is important to adjust my parenting as he gets older. It is also my role to encourage my son and his father to grow close.

Healthy sexuality

Sex is natural. And it is not merely physical, emotions play an equally important role. And I think what I read here has justified my belief that sex needs to be discussed and be openly talked about in our family once the time is right. And that does not mean after puberty hits... more like from the age where he is capable of understanding such concepts as consequences and choices. I also know that I will do what is in my power link sex with tenderness and love and affection and respect within his realm of understanding when it comes to sexual activity and relations. Perhaps if these were all explored and discussed from a young age, it won't be so mysterious and tempting when the time comes. He will hopefully understand that there is nothing shameful about sex and lust. Easier said than done I know, but trying is a good first step right?

These are the things I took away from the book mainly. There were other parts involving schools and sports that didn't have information I don't already know. Let's just say that we will most likely be seriously seriously considering homeschooling.

I love being mom to my little boy, and like I told my husband, I can imagine myself surrounded by little boys. And I think my confidence to successfully raise boys have gone up a little notch after reading this book :)

Phew! This was longer than I expected. Time for bed!