6 weeks 2 days

"I feel like there's a giant grizzly bear sitting on top of my head."

That's what I told the husband in the car yesterday morning.

I don't know how else to describe it really. The heavy, fuzzy, achy, frustrating feeling that has suddenly taken over me since Saturday, right as I hit 6 weeks. I was feeling quite fine up until then, but now it's like a Mack truck came and ran me over and refused to let me get up.

"It's like my body suddenly realised that it was pregnant and immediately sprang right back into pregnancy mode. Like 'ah ha! I know what I need to do! Let's do this!"

That's the other thing I told husband yesterday morning, in the car.

Seriously, it's like the past 19 months of non-pregnancy didn't mean jack-shit. My hips are already loosening, getting ready to expand again. My tummy is starting to swell (no joke, even though it's not baby, just uterus and bloat). The tell-tale pimples I got all over my chest when pregnant with X is back with a vengeance. My face is so oily I feel like a 14 year old teenager again. I feel sick sick sick. All day and all night. I pee like it's a free-for-all thing, so much so I have to stop drinking fluids after 7pm if I want to get any sleep at all the rest of the night. All that and so much more.

But you know what? The difference between then and now, is that I do not have the liberty to take sick leave from work and lounge on the couch all day. I have a toddler to care for, to entertain, to chase around, to discipline. I've got diapers to change, poopy bums to wash, laundry to do, dinner to cook. So it keeps me going. And to be completely honest, it feels like crap to have to do all that when I feel the way that I feel. But once I muster up the balls to just get up and do it, I feel better. Feels better to get fresh air when I have to walk to the supermarket or take X to the park. Feels better to have something to do to focus on instead of how terrible I feel. Still sucks to have to do it sometimes of course.

Like how I have ZERO appetite to eat. The nausea makes it so that eating is not a tempting prospect at all. Not in the least. But if I force myself to eat something, something good and not just junk food, I feel instantly better. Just for a little while, but I do feel a little better. And again, the difference between then and now, is that with the toddler hanging around me all day, I have no choice but to eat well if I want to eat in front of him and share. He wants a bit of everything I'm having, so I choose to have bananas, kiwis, toast, plain biscuits, etc. Instead of then, when I ate chips and chocolate and nonsense all day.

So the difference between then and now, is I'm a ton healthier and it will do me good the rest of the pregnancy. I started this pregnancy at 51 kg. I started my previous pregnancy at 55 kg. I think that's a good start, don't you?

What's not so good is that if my last pregnancy was anything to go by, I won't feel better until at least 16-18 weeks. And considering that today is the start of my 13-week semester at university, I'm going to be in for a hell of a ride the next few months. It should be interesting to see if I make it through this semester (and trimester) alive and well and without screwing up my GPA too much. 

I was never under any illusion that this pregnancy was going to be easy. Nor that I would enjoy it very much. Maybe in the second trimester when I'm not sick and I get to feel Baby E kicking and rolling and tumbling but he/she is still not big enough to hurt me yet. I was mentally prepared to go through this crap, and although it doesn't make it any better, I can still tell myself that it will all be worth it in the end. After all, it'll be over before I know. I should know, I just did it 2 years ago! 

"I'm so glad that after this, we're never doing this again."

That's the other thing I told the husband yesterday. And I think that's pretty much set in stone, if all things go well with Baby E. 

Just wake me up when 2012 ends, will you?