Internal conflict

17 April 2012, Tuesday

Since I completed my second assignment for this semester, I'm allowing myself the tiny little indulgence of blogging today during Xander's nap time :)

We went to Auckland on a holiday from 31 March to 9 April, together with Jude's mom and Uncle PS. It was a fun fun fun trip that allowed us plenty of time to rest, relax, see the sights, and enjoy each other's company. To be completely honest, I don't really remember the details of everything and everywhere we saw and went. So I'm going to wait to receive our "official" photos taken by Uncle and use that to jog my memory... Then I can blog about it and recap all the fun we had :) But safe to say that the people who had the most fun was Xander, Jude's mum, and Uncle. They revelled in each other's presence. Xander showed off all his new speaking, signing, running and climbing skills, much to the happiness of the old folks. It was good.

In the past 2 months (and in the months to come), some new babies arrived earth-side, into the loving arms of some dear friends of ours. That triggered some (ok, quite a lot) of nostalgia in me, prompting me to go back to old albums to remind myself of how precious and fleeting those newborn days were. We really have come so far and looking back, I realise I seem to have forgotten how hard it truly was to be so sleep-deprived and learning the ropes as a new parent, and figuring things out with your new baby. I feel like things now are much harder than they were before. Very different, much more fun, but so much more challenging. Having to parent and discipline and teach, instead of focusing on simply surviving. I don't really know what the point of saying all this is really, but it's just thoughts I've had and I wanted to write it down.

We are approaching the end of our 3-month wait that was ordered by my doctor after my Rubella booster shot back in February. Which means that in my next cycle, we are probably going to start trying for another baby. On one hand, I'm super excited. On the other, I'm terrified, nervous, unsure, and stressed out about it.

Xander is at such a challenging stage of his toddlerhood right now. He is active and running around, all over the place. Jude and I like to say that he goes from 0 to 100 in 2.3 seconds. That's how it is each day, from the moment he wakes up, he is just go go go go go go go. He is a dynamo and keeping up with him is exhausting. He is very mobile, but he seriously lacks impulse control, which is no fault of his. And so I need to keep him safe and make sure he doesn't kill himself under my watch. And I believe in seizing every "disciplinary" moment as a moment to teach, so it's not as simple as saying "no don't touch that" or "stop doing that" every time he does something he shouldn't. Trying to focus on positive parenting is also very hard, when things are stressful and I'm just exhausted. But it doesn't take away the fact that these are important things to us and needs to be consistently done.

Thinking about handling the "nauseous and downright debilitating" first trimester of pregnancy and the "I'm so big and uncomfortable I can't move" third trimester of pregnancy while keeping up with Xander, is so scary it gives me panic attacks in the middle of the night. Not to mention being able to adequately care for Xander while handling a newborn baby later on. How will I manage keeping our home in a livable condition (different definitions held by me and my husband by the way), nurture Xander through his toddlerhood, care for a newborn baby, continue to grow my relationship with my husband, and continue with my studies at the same time? Is that even possible? I don't want to rely on the promise of help in the early days because at the end of the day, when all is said and done, it is still up to me and only me to deal with our day to day life with 2 children. Help won't be around forever. If anything, it would only be in the first month or so.

Then there's the usual worry that comes with a new pregnancy... will the baby be a healthy baby? Will I end up with a colicky/reflux/screaming newborn who doesn't sleep? *touch wood* And knowing that this next baby would likely be our last, will the gender of the baby matter to us? What will labour and delivery be like for me this time round... will I get the experience I so desire and need FOR MY SAKE?

And things are a little bit hard right now. Employment woes. Financial strain. Rental stress. It's hard to know if we are doing the right thing by expanding our family now, at a time when things are so uncertain for us. But then again, if we had waited for the perfect circumstances, Xander wouldn't be here now either.

More significantly, I'm unsure about, and hence terrified about being mom to another child. I love Xander so much and so completely that he takes up 110% of my "mom love". We are so attached to each other and I am clearly everything to him (when we are alone at home during the day). How much will I be destroying that when we add a new baby to the mix? Will he feel alone? Betrayed? Sad? That breaks my heart because I don't want him to be sad. I know I know, he will get over it and he won't remember it (probably), but it doesn't change the magnitude of the situation or emotion at that PARTICULAR moment, which he needs to deal with. Is he matured enough to handle those emotions and feelings?

BUT. Having said all that, I just KNOW that Xander would thrive with a sibling and a playmate in his life. Maybe not in the first few months when the new baby is just a lump of immobile flesh that takes up his mama's time and energy. But later on, they would become best friends for life. That would be priceless. And there's the fact that I know I want another baby. Just one more. Soon too, because we want this whole total-dependence, it-takes-2-hours-to-get-ready-for-an-outing, I-have-to-repeat-myself-100-times-before-he-understands-what-I-am-saying phase of our family life. I'm ready to move to the stage. So we need to do  it. It's now or never.

And looking back at Xander's infant-stage photos, the reminder that those days are so fleeting and that even though the hours and the days are long, the months and years are so very short. Am I willing to put some parts of my life on the back burner to make our family-of-4 dreams happen? Things like my studies and disposable income and holidays and sex 3 times a week with my guy? Hmm. Maybe. I think so. It will all be worth it at the end. Right? Before we know it, everyone will be sleeping on their own at night and able to get their own snacks and drinks and go to the toilet on their own and... It won't be like this forever. It can't be.

So I think we are going to take the plunge. So to speak. Hopefully this time it doesn't take as long as it did the last time... But then again, last time, we had the liberty and luxury to have sex EVERY.SINGLE.DAY to make sure we make a baby. This time... erm. Let's just say his boys better have good aim ;)