Contemplation

I haven't posted here in a while.
I guess I've been in a state of contemplation.
Contemplating what I'm going to continue doing with this blog.

I've been feeling for awhile now that I'm getting more and more disconnected from it.
Not exactly sure why actually.

Maybe because I've drifted from my original purpose for this blog.
It has always been meant to be a personal journal. And I've always wanted to use it as a place to voice my thoughts, feelings and opinions. Freely. Uninhibited.

But I'm realizing that there are A LOT of people reading my blog now, and most choose to remain anonymous. So I don't really know who's out there peering through the one-way, observing my life

Once we found out that we were expecting Xander, it was a great way to keep family and loved ones updated about us and him. The distance between us closed because of this blog and I'm grateful.

It has also served as a great baby book of sorts, to record the little milestones and memories that I want to remember and be able to look back at.

Then I realized that I was learning sooo much on my journey through motherhood that I wanted to write some of it down as a means to organize my thoughts and as a source of reference that I can look back at when I need to.

Then I don't know how, but I started writing for others instead of myself. I started editing my posts and making sure there's nothing that others don't want to read about. And I can't stand it.

I like my stream-of-consciousness kind of writing. I like writing in amateur sounding prose. I like having a place to write out my disjointed thoughts the exact way they present themselves in my mind - disjointed. I like not having to care if my posts were jumbled and mumbled and lacked structure.

I have been writing in a personal journal via an app on my iPhone. And it doesn't get published anywhere. So it's just for me. I made a promise to myself that I will write something everyday this year. Even if its just 1 paragraph. 1 sentence.

I wanted to make sure that I could take note of life's little moments everyday without having to craft a full blog post and I hate the fact that I would forget what I wanted to post on my blog by the time I found time to sit down and write. I knew that with Evie's imminent arrival, things will get busier and there simply won't be as much time available for me to blog about her the way I did with Xander. And that wouldn't be fair. So journaling would help I hope.

I want to go back to blogging regularly. But I'm hesitant to. Maybe it's just a funk I'm in. I'll figure it out soon. Maybe the legions of anonymous readers out there freak me out a little. And probably because I know for a fact that many don't read because they care, but because they like to gossip and criticism behind my back. If its just about me, fine I guess. But I realise now that it's also about my babies who don't have a say in their lives being on the vast black hole that is the Internet.

I need to contemplate a little more.