'Nuff said.

I just wrote an entire post but deleted the whole thing again.

So let's start afresh.

These past 3 days have been challenging, to say the least.

Xander is still reeling from the after-effects of the numerous vaccines he was given on Saturday morning.

No obvious side effects anymore, aside from the mild diarrhea that he got the first 24 hours and the slightly elevated body temperature.

But he has been extra cranky, exhausted but unable to sleep, lots of spit-up (which this little boy doesn't seem to know how to just let it out... instead he swallows it back down, causing a whole lot of discomfort), and what I suspect is a frequently gassy and painful belly.

I don't think I've gotten more than 4 hours of combined sleep each night the past 3 nights, having been up with him at all hours (1.5 to 2 hour intervals) and each time spending up to an hour coaxing him back to sleep.

Sleeping during the day is not really an option, because I'm not alone.

And because I'm relegated to the futon outside, and I've never been comfortable with sleeping in the presence of people I'm not 100% comfortable with.

But also because X has been so unpredictable with his sleeping that I am not willing to let my mind fall asleep, just to be awoken by him just minutes later. 

I'd rather stay awake really.

So I'm dealing with rather extreme sleep deprivation here, but also have to deal with having a visitor around.

It's challenging, because I've never been the small-talk kinda girl.

Because I am an introvert, and I love my solitude.

And I'm not good at sharing.

I don't like it when people come with a sense of expectation and a feeling of entitlement.

I'm sensitive that way.

And I'm mama bear protecting my baby bear.

Plus, I strongly believe my (and X's) sleep deprivation is at least partly due to the visitor.

And that pisses me off at least a little.

I can't wait for the next 2 weeks to be over.

'Nuff said.

I don't like that I got no where to retreat to.

No where to hide.

Don't blame me...

After all, I've gotten so used to having him all to myself all day already.

I can sit out in the living room while nursing him,

and when he comes up for a break and a breather, 

we just stay right there and look into each other's eyes.

All with the boob still left out in the open.

Then when he gets tired of chatting, 

he goes right back to nursing.

None of that now.

Which upsets us both cos he doesn't seem as relaxed at feedings anymore.

And I can't even change my boy's dirty diapers with him looking right at me and only me,

because there's always someone else next to him.

"Come, don't look at mummy anymore. Look at ah ma!"

Oh and last night? I got to "take a break" from giving him a bath.

I don't think I need a break to be honest.

But I still did it, in the name of respect and because apparently I need to play nice and share.

X is 10 weeks old today.

I was talking to baby last night about how fast he seems to be growing.

And this morning, a bittersweet moment when baby returned him to me after changing his poopy diaper...

"Baby boy, don't grow up so fast on daddy ok? I don't get to enjoy you while you're small, and already you're growing so big so fast. Stay little for longer..."

I wish he was home a little bit more.

I wish he was home with me instead of someone else.

I wish our baby boy got to hang out with daddy a little bit more.

But honestly, right now, he's the only person I'd trust my little one with.

Know why?

Because he is the only person who truly shares every single child-raising belief with me.

And I know for sure he would never challenge me and my beliefs with regards to my baby boy, without a proper discussion with me first.

X is starting to try his hand at rolling.

For now, it is limited to him rolling over to his side in his crib,

when he is all bundled up in his sleep suit.

He would lift his entire bottom and legs like he's doing a crunch,

and swing it over to the side.

Repeatedly.

Cute, yet so freaking frustrating when I'm trying to get him to sleep.

X is also becoming a little more coordinated and aware of his surroundings.

For one, I noticed that if he's in bed with his pacifier and the pacifier falls out and lands right below his chin,

he would stretch his arms up over his head as far as it can go in the sleep suit,

then the fabric stretching over the front of him would push the pacifier back into his mouth.

Hah!

Then I see him grabbing hold of the pacifier with his mouth and satisfyingly sucking away.

I swear I can see the smug grin on his face beneath the pacifier.

Talk about smart.

[yes, I regularly hide out of his sight when leaving him to fall asleep in his crib to observe what he does. it's fun!]

The day before and yesterday, I sat X up and let go of him.

And lo and behold, he remained sitting upright.

The longest I've timed him is a good 5 seconds.

Other times, he hangs on for at least 2 to 3 seconds.

The key is putting him in the right position, with his legs spread evenly in front of him,

and his hands resting on his thighs.

My 10 week old baby sits!!!

Call me a ridiculously proud mama, and I'll say hell yeah!

But he would also do the funny head bob with his eyes wide open when he is sitting,

in his bid to keep his head upright.

Mommy's tough guy :)

I hate that by the time I get him back all to myself,

he would be at least 12 weeks old already.

I'm missing out.

But one needs to learn how to share, and how to be generous and all that bullshit good stuff right?

Ok.

'Nuff said.

Otherwise someone out there's gonna come here and say I'm being mean.

Oy.