The case for #2

This is a topic that has been on our minds for some time now - having a second child. Jude and I, we are planners. Especially when it comes to the big and important things in life. This is one of those things. It's something we want to be absolutely 100% sure of before we commit, because well, we can't change our minds later right?

I've always swung from yes to no, no to yes, and back to no again when it comes to the question of whether I would like another child. My thought process when it comes to this is incredibly convoluted and confusing at times, so pardon me if this entire post seems to make no sense whatsoever.

Before getting pregnant with Xander, I always thought that I would want many kids. 3, maybe 4. After having trouble conceiving even just one, I decided maybe I'm not meant to have many kids. Maybe 2 will do. But I always thought I knew that I definitely wanted more than 1. Then morning (or rather, all-day) sickness tormented me for months and months at the beginning of pregnancy and I very regularly told Jude, one is enough. No more. Then when the sickness subsided, I decided that I'm loving this whole being-pregnant gig and there's no way this will be my first and last experience of it. Labour and delivery, even though it was rough, I still relished the experience and came out of it thinking - let's do this again!

Then I fell head over heels and desperately in love with my little boy. And then the dilemma truly began to show itself.

How can I possibly ever love another child as much as I love this little man of mine? It's like I cannot even begin to imagine having to split my love between more than just 1 child. Will I experience this full-on, all-encompassing love that I feel for Xander, with another child?

How can I bring myself to split my time, energy and attention into more than one part and divide it equally amongst my children? I love being able to focus on him entirely. I will lose that with a second child, wouldn't I? Then no one will get my 100%, because I'll always be divided.

Let's face it. Taking care of a child full-time without any help is HARD. It wears you down, breaks you down, chews you up, and spits you out like a spent gum. It's harder than anything I have ever done in my life. Rewarding, yes. But hard as shit. How can I possibly do it with 2 or more? The newborn days were crazy. Imagine going through that all over again, but this time with a energetic & spirited toddler in tow. Phew. Just thinking about it makes me shiver in terror.

To be perfectly honest, I think we hit the jackpot with this little boy. He was a great little baby - laid back, relaxed, relatively easy to handle most of the time, fuss free (most of the time too). I am kinda terrified of the prospect of my luck running out. You know, ending up with a baby who is colicky and fussy and clingy and all that jazz. Xander is healthy as a horse and strong as an ox. What if (touch wood) we have a baby with health issues? Am I ready to deal with that? Will my luck run out?

Do I have it in me to take responsibility for one more life? Health, well-being, nutrition, education, development, and everything else that is my responsibility as mother? I stress out enough when it comes to Xander's nutrition as it is. Having to cater for another DIFFERENT person with different needs and wants would add a whole new dimension of difficulty to my job. Plus the fact that we are planning on home-schooling our kids, it means I will be responsible for the education of more than one child. I'm not a trained educator - how am I going to do so without compromising on their learning experience?

We live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. And we really love where we live. Despite the ever-increasing rent, it is a wonderful place and if it was up to me, I never want to leave. But how are we going to have enough space for another child? The place would be even more cluttered and messy and cramped than it has ever been.

Conceiving Xander was a long journey. Do I have the heart to go through that again if the same thing happens?

BUT. Let's look at the other side of the argument shall we?

I know that it is entirely too silly to think that I won't be able to love another child as much as I love Xander. Everyone says that your heart grows to accommodate more love and each of your children are as special to you as the other. I know this to be true, but I also know that it's not something I can know for sure until I experience it.

I came from a big family. And I know all the pitfalls of having a big family with many children. But I also know the joy that siblings bring into each other's life. I know for a fact that if I have more children, my time and energy and attention will be divided... that can't be helped I guess. But what I can do is be conscious and aware. I can make an effort to be present. I can give my children each other for those times when I can't be there for them.

On hindsight, compared to the past couple of months with an active, energetic, spirited and mobile toddler, those newborn days were bliss. All that was required of me was to change diapers and nurse him every 2 hours, and cuddle and coo at him rest of the time when he wasn't taking a nap after every hour of awake time. The more I think about it, the more I have faith that I can do it. I can do the whole newborn plus toddler thing. With some help in the first few weeks of course. I would co-sleep so that there would be no hours and hours on the rocking chair all night long. I would bust out the wrap and wear the new baby as much as needed so that I can still spend time with Xander. I am under no illusion that it would be easy, but I think I feel confident enough to handle it. Mostly.

I think if there's anything that my experience with Xander has taught me, is that my instincts are always worth following. And the fact that all I can do is my best, and following the lead of the child is the best way to go. I am already challenged to provide well-balanced, nutritious and healthy food for Xander. Using baby-led weaning, a new baby would simply share in our (or Xander's) meals.

When it comes to education, having more than one child would be a good thing. The older child will learn patience and responsibility and leadership in guiding the younger one. The younger one will learn simply by being with the older one. According to Montessori's philosophies, Montessori classrooms are grouped by age groups of 2 to 3 years. E.g. 3 to 6 years olds in one class. If this is the route we choose to follow in our home, another child within the same age group would be a perfect learning companion for the other.

Ideally, we would have a little more space in our home when we add to the family. Not so much sleeping space, since we are more or less sure that co-sleeping would be the best option for us. But rather space for the children to run around and play in and learn and explore. I believe we have the space for another baby. When the baby becomes a toddler and starts running around like Xander is doing now, I'm not so sure. But hey, after all, we might have no choice but to move soon if they choose to keep increasing our rent right?

Financially, we are in a good place for a second child. If breastfeeding goes as well the second time around as it did this first time, we do not have to worry about the cost of formula. We have plenty of diapers that will work just fine with a second baby, with the exception of perhaps a set or 2 of newborn cloth diapers since we used sposies the last time and would like to change that. We pretty much have all that we need for a new baby... except maybe some newborn clothes (which I have learned not to buy too much of, and no need for the fancy looking stuff), a moses basket, a rocker, and later on an exersaucer. I think we're good with all that.

So with all that, Jude and I, we've decided that we will have a second child. Soon. And then we will be done.

We only want 2 because we want to be able to give our children the opportunity at a comfortable life. One that doesn't require mommy to go back to work to help pay the rent and buy groceries. One where mommy can be with them and guide them through their childhood. One that will allow us to give them the opportunity to travel and see the world and experience different cultures and lifestyles. One that allows them to experience whatever they choose - sports, dance, art, music, language. One that gives them ample one-on-one time with mommy and daddy because we are not too stretched between multiple children.

We also only want 2 who are close in age because baby-hood, as wonderful as it is, takes a lot out of us as parents. It's as though our lives get put on hold during these first few years and our main focus is to get through each day with the children in fresh diapers and fed and entertained and cleaned and hydrated and healthy. By having them close in age, we can move on to the next stage of our family life sooner. Where the children are old enough to travel with us, where their daddy can take them camping like he always wished, where we can go on family holidays without having to think too much about logistics.

I'm not a fan of the idea of moving beyond the baby stage with Xander and getting used to sleeping all night and no diapers and no more breastfeeding and no more diaper bag, and then having to go back to it all over again. Get it over and done with right?

In terms of homeschooling, having the children close in age would make my job so much easier. Setting curriculum, designing materials, actual learning time, all that would be so much easier if they were relatively closer in developmental level and age.

Most importantly, is that having siblings closer in age would give each of them the joy of growing up together, being able to play the same games together, go the same places together and hopefully become instant best friends.  Xander will hopefully not remember too much about what it was like to be an only child, and minimise the chances of jealousy when the new baby comes. People say that the only people who will know you for the longest period in your life, are your siblings. And that is so true. One day, Jude and I, we'll be gone. And thinking about Xander being left alone in this world without any immediate family to call his own breaks my heart. It is my dream that he will have someone else to share thick and thin with, someone else to turn to when the world turns its back on him for one reason or another. The same way I know that my siblings will always be there for me no matter where life takes us.

Despite the fact that I've been undecided about #2, I realised that not knowing if we're done having kids is the answer I need. I really do want another child. And then I believe our family will be complete. At this moment, I don't feel like we're complete. Like something's missing in the puzzle. We just need one more piece to complete our little 4-piece puzzle.

So there you have it. #2 is in the plans. But no, not yet. Our planning is quite specific and we are not quite ready yet. In a couple of months maybe. I'm quietly excited and looking forward eagerly to adding to our brood. To going through the pregnancy process again. The sickness, the fatigue, the flutters, the kicks, the tumbles, the labour, and the childbirth. Followed closely by the precious magical newborn baby to hold, to nurse, to smell, to love. It will be even more wonderful and bittersweet, knowing it is probably the last time I get to experience all that. In the meantime though, I'm treasuring every little moment I get to spend with my boy, my first born child. To take in his innocence and toddler-hood. To watch him grow and become a little boy. I'm relishing in the joys of being a small family of three. It's all good. I can wait. But at the same time, I can't wait :)