The 2WW is HARD.

31 May 2012, Thursday

*Disclaimer: This post is about baby-making and sex. If you are not interested in hearing about my sex life, bye now!*

This two-week-wait is KILLING me.

Going into this, I told myself that I wouldn't obsess. But I'm failing miserably at that right now. Logically, I am well-aware of the fact that only a very small percentage of couples who are actively trying to conceive will succeed in the first month of trying. More realistically, majority (something like 80%) will conceive within 3 months. And here I am, in our first month of actively trying to conceive our lovebug #2, freaking out and stressing about "buts" and "what-ifs".

I know for a fact and from past experience that the more I worry about it, the more it won't happen. And that all symptoms I THINK I'm experiencing don't mean anything because menstrual symptoms are so similar to early pregnancy ones. 

I also know that all those home pregnancy tests I've been taking in the past week (4 of them. ahem.) have been stupid impulse decisions because there is NO WAY we can know for sure until my next period is due. Which is around the 4 of June, next Monday. 

It's only 4 days away, and it is feeling like an ETERNITY.

I really need to stop testing early and wait to see if my period turns up. This getting-my-hopes-up and getting-it-crushed-with-a-big-fat-negative thing is really disappointing and frustrating. Why do I even do this to myself?

Last time around, the only early indication I had that I was actually pregnant was bigger boobs, which started about 3 days before I got the positive test. 

This time, I'm still breastfeeding so those boobs are already big enough. I really doubt they'll get any bigger.

So to make up for that, I'm over-analysing every wave of nausea I get, every twitch, every headache, every cramp, every fart, every pee. And I feel ridiculous. This is ridiculous. I'm pissing myself off.

I want to say that I feel pregnant. Sometimes, I feel like I really am. After all, this ain't my first rodeo. I know what being pregnant feels like. And I'm sure my body knows how exactly to react to another pregnancy. 

But obsessing about it will accomplish nothing except drive me crazy. Which is already being kindly taken care of by the little X-Man I am caring for each day so I don't need anything else to drive me crazy even further thankyouverymuch.

But... SIGH. I really want this. 

In my mind, I had prepared myself to have to spend the next 3 months (or thereabouts) on this trying-to-conceive rollercoaster ride. But in my heart, I really want it to work this time. 

Actively trying to conceive a baby is really hard work. I know it sounds bad to put it that way and I know that the process should be savoured and enjoyed. Ahem. But it's true. 

I like spontaneous sex. I really do. I am an expert at it actually. The kind that is driven by nothing else but lust and love and desire. The kind that can happen every day for 3 days and let us take a break for the next whole week if things have been hectic in our lives. 

Baby-making sex is not spontaneous sex. It's timed, it's pressure-filled because there is an end result that MUST happen otherwise it'll be wasted, and it's one of those "I am so damn tired I can't even open my eyes but we have to do this" kinda thing. Sometimes. Not all the time of course ;)

I'm NOT saying that baby-making sex is not fun. Oh it is plenty fun alright. After all nature has designed us to be at our most amorous around the time of ovulation. It's just... stressful. 

Add an active toddler into the mix. 

And the fact that weekday sex means after dinner and after X goes to bed for the night, which is not ideal because we are both tired after a long long day and let's face it, sex after a full meal is not the best idea really.

But we do it because we want this. We want a new lovebug in our lives. Soon preferably. I don't know how many of these two-week-waits I can do before I go nuts.

Fingers crossed!