Our little Xander is going through a serious everything-must-be-in-its-right-place obsession phase right now. Sometimes it drives me CRAZY. But other times, it's super useful and awesome.
Crazy when I drape his towel carelessly over the towel rack after drying his bum post-poop-washing-episode, and he refuses to budge from his spot, standing in front of the towel and pointing and whining, until I fix it to his satisfaction.
Or when it's okay for him to put something back onto the bottom shelf (which he can reach on his own) but he insists that it must go back to the top shelf and I have to drop what I'm doing to help him get it back to the top shelf.
But so awesome when I pick something off the floor and pass it to him, telling him to put it back, and he knows EXACTLY where it should go and would put it back there. Precisely in its spot.
I'm not 100% sure whether I should encourage this particular trait of his, or to help him learn a bit of flexibility. But I guess in a toddler's mind, there's only black or white and no grey area right? Teaching him flexibility is like teaching him to not trust his judgement. And I want him to. So I guess I just answered my own question.
He is also a stickler for his routines and rituals.
Like him having to kiss his baby doll after putting on his night diaper no matter what, followed by making us kiss his baby night-night too. Only then can he put his baby back on the chair, put back baby's magnetic pacifier, and go get dressed in his jammies for the night. Without fail, every evening.
It makes him so happy and instead of seeing it as neuroticism and being obsessive, I choose to see it as him using these little things to keep a semblance of control over his daily life.
A life where almost every little decision is made for him and he has no choice but to just go along with it.
A life where he sometimes does not know what's coming next and what he is going to be doing next.
It's a disturbing thing for him and if this is what he needs to feel like he is in control, then this is what he will get.
I hope I'm doing the right thing for him. But that's all I can ever do right? Try my best to do what I think is best, and then hope.
He's also being super persistent and honestly? Annoying. A lot of the time. He does things he knows he's not supposed to do. He does it over and over again despite having the boundaries drawn and made clear. He is doing his best to test his limits and by doing so, push our buttons too.
It takes so much patience and determination not to let it get to me. I try really really hard not to snap at him, but you know what? I'm not perfect. It happens. I've never been known for my patience and though motherhood has seriously changed me, I'm still quite a newbie.
I remind myself, every hour of every day, that he is not trying to piss me off on purpose. He does not want to be mischievous. He is not misbehaving, and if I thought he was, then I was mistaking his behaviour. Time to take a step back and find out what's really upsetting him and making him feel like he needed to act out to get my attention and to get his message across.
Boy is that ever so hard.
To let go of the pressing to-dos in my mind to get down to his level to connect. To look each other in the eye and have him understand that I want to help him, that I want to listen to him, that he matters to me.
It's not me to be able to ignore the sudsy, half-washed dishes in the sink to listen to my toddler.
Sometimes he has to wait. Sometimes he turns on the oven way up high while I'm washing the dishes, just because I told him to wait for mommy to finish washing the dishes, precisely because he knows he shouldn't do it and that I would have to stop what I'm doing to turn it off again.
So I do, and I get down to his level and explain to him again that I know, I hear him, I understand. But I have things to do and he has to wait. Will he? He nods and runs off. For all of 2 minutes. But to him, that's probably an eternity already, isn't it?
But I promised that I'd give him my attention once I'm done, so I finish up as quickly as I can, and I do exactly that, ignoring the rest of my to-do list for the moment.
Rinse and repeat.
Day after day.
I can only hope that the consistency in my response each time gives him confidence and comfort in knowing I won't change and that he can count on me. Then maybe, just maybe, he would stop pushing those buttons and move on. To other buttons I'm sure, but not the same ones that drive me crazy. Until those start driving me crazy too.
I do all that for him because I am his mommy. His daddy and I, we are his whole world. If I won't do that for him, who would?
Who else would understand what he was thinking when he woke up one morning, and simply decided that walking out the room into the dark hall like he has always done was too much for him to handle? Who else would look into his eyes, see the uncertainty and the fear and understand that he just needs someone to understand him?
So instead of pushing him forward and dismissing his (very legitimate, at least to him) feelings and fears and saying "it's okay! there's nothing to be afraid of!", I let him cling to me and cry a little in my arms. I say, "You're afraid. It's dark outside and you're not sure what will happen. You want mommy to come with you. I hear you." to give voice to the feelings he has no words to express yet. So that he knows that I understand, and that I respect his feelings. Everyone deserves to have their feelings respected, don't they? No matter how small they are.
When he refuses to enter the room with the lights switched off because he hears strange noises coming from the construction works going on outside, instead of saying that it's nothing to be afraid of and teasing him about it, I find it in me to show compassion and understanding for his fear of the things he doesn't know.
I do that, in the hopes that he learns to trust that no matter what happens in the future, in his life, that he is uncertain about, I will always be there and will never undermine him or dismiss his feelings. They will always be heard, they will always matter. It starts from the small things, doesn't it?
And again, I'm not perfect. I'm still learning. And I'm trying really really hard. I don't think failure is an option here. No, not when I don't get a do-over if I mess up.
Let's look for the rainbow in the clouds, the sunshine after the rain.
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