24 weeks and about Visitors-in-December

We are 24 weeks today, and the countdown to D-Day is 16 weeks.

And guess what?

Only 3 more weeks left in this 2nd trimester,

as I officially step into the final trimester of this pregnancy in the 2nd week of September.

How time flies huh?

Anyway, here's me and us at 24 weeks.

Here's what's happening in baby xander's watery world now, according to What to Expect.com:

Your baby is about nine inches long and more than a pound and a half in weight this week. And don't look now (as if you could), but your baby's skin is turning pinker as small blood vessels form under the skin and fill with blood. Lungs and nostrils are also growing at this stage of fetal development.

At nine inches and more than a pound and a half in weight, your baby is taller than two juice boxes stacked one on top of the other, and almost as heavy as four of those little boxes (an analogy you'll find particularly apropos in a few years, when those juice boxes start taking over your refrigerator, your pantry, your car.…).
 
Don't look now (as if you could), but your baby's skin is turning pinker. No, not because he or she's getting overheated (in fact, the amniotic fluid is perfectly climate controlled, keeping your baby at an always comfortable temperature), but because small blood vessels, called capillaries, are forming under the skin and filling with blood. Later this week, blood vessels will also develop in your baby's lungs, bringing them one step closer to full maturity — and one step closer to taking that first breath of fresh air. But at 25 weeks pregnant, those lungs are still very much works in progress. Though they are already beginning to develop surfactant, a substance that will help the lungs expand after the baby is born, the lungs are still too undeveloped to sufficiently send oxygen to the bloodstream and release carbon dioxide when he or she exhales.

The lungs aren't the only system that's gearing up for air intake. Your baby's nostrils, which have been plugged up until now, are starting to open this week. This actually allows your little one to begin taking practice breaths. (Of course since there's no air in there, your baby is really only "breathing" amniotic fluid, but it's the practice that counts, right?)

My What to Expect iPhone app tells me that baby xander is about the size of an "ear of corn" now. 

So my dear husband, when we went to the supermarket yesterday, went to the produce section and pick up a whole corn, 

placed it against my belly, 

nodded in agreement, 

then proceeded to cradle the corn and asked me to kiss it!

The man is hilarious.

Haha!

Ok, now to the main point of my blogging today.

To voice my thoughts and hopefully relieve some of my stress.

There is one major thing that is stressing me out beyond belief at the moment and I don't know how else to let it go besides hoping that blogging about it would help.

Being 24 weeks pregnant, 

you would think that the stressors in my life now would be things like setting up the nursery and getting all of the baby necessities ready before the little one arrives.

But it's not.

It's not the preparation for the little one's arrival.

It's not the next doctor's appointment and my gestational diabetes glucose tolerance test.

It's not the blood test that comes with it.

It's not how well the little one is growing in there.

It's not whether I'll be one of the minority few who goes into spontaneous premature labour.

It's not the actual labour and giving birth process

It's not the post-birth recovery.

It's not the bringing-baby-home-for-the-first-time jitters.

It's not the will-i-be-a-good-mum worries.

The one and only biggest thing weighing on my mind as the thing that is stressing me out beyond belief for the past 6 months and likely to continue over the next few months,

is the visitors-in-december thing.

Yeah you saw right.

The visitors-in-december thing.

That's what's been stressing me out endlessly and giving me massive headaches (literally and figuratively) every so often.

I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings,

and it's such a difficult thing to make others understand.

So I'm gonna put forth my reasons/arguments here,

as neutrally as I can.

Firstly,

we want to be given a chance, as a brand new family of 3, to bond and get to know each other within the privacy and comforts of our own home.

We want to be able to do that without the distractions from others,

who will demand our time, attention and energy when we won't have much to spare in those early days.

I know this may come across sounding as selfish,

but believe me,

we have worked so hard for and pined so long for this child, 

to want to miss out on those first few crucial weeks of bonding with him.

We believe in the importance of love from the extended family as well, 

and nothing will dissuade me from sharing the love I get from my family and friends with my son.

That is too precious to allow my son to miss out on it.

But what I'm trying to say here is to allow us to get to know each other first,

allow the little one to settle into his new life on earth first.

Secondly,

I have done extensive research and readings,

and will do everything within my power to put my little one on a suitable routine from day 1 if possible.

That means scheduled sleeping and feeding and changing times.

And I have no doubt that in those first few weeks, that's all that's gonna be happening around here.

Feed and sleep, feed and sleep.

If we have visitors at that time,

it would mean that his routines will get disrupted because there will be people around wanting to be entertained and stuff, or just the fact that there are people constantly around will keep him awake and not be able to settle when it's time to sleep or nap.

I can't justify having people spend thousands of dollars to visit,

to have to adhere to a newborn's routines.

So I rather not have to.

Thirdly,

I'm planning on breastfeeding exclusively, 

if there are no serious medical conditions stopping me.

I know it will be tough,

I know it will be painful,

I know it can be disheartening.

But I also know that I want to persevere with it and make it happen,

for the sake of our little one.

No one in my family has experience with breastfeeding,

so chances are I will feel even more discouraged if I have troubles with it and they cannot support me.

Furthermore,

because I will be breastfeeding exclusively,

I need to feed my son personally (obviously).

So even if people visit saying they can help me take care of him while I rest,

it won't work that way.

I still have to do all the feedings myself,

whether it's midnight feedings or middle of the day feedings.

And to be perfectly honest,

I envision myself walking around the house with nothing but my nursing bra on (it's summer after all) and half the time my milk ducts will be on display while feeding or preparing to feed.

And with that vision in my mind,

I don't fancy having other people around to gawk and stare at my bare boobies, thank you very much.

You know, if we were in Singapore,

it would be easy to just chase visitors out when it's time to feed because they can simply up and go home or head somewhere else.

But here, with them travelling here,

they are stuck 24/7 with us.

And there's no where we can run to and hide.

Fourth,

anyone who's here needs to know that there's no play involved in being here.

There will be no outings, 

no eating out,

no visiting places,

no nothing.

It's gonna be all work and no play.

And I am not in the business of putting my visitors to work,

so I rather not.

Anyway, there won't be much to do as I can foresee.

Our apartment is pretty tiny.

The only stuff that need to be done is perhaps laundry and vacuuming and cooking.

And my husband is perfectly capable of doing those stuff.

One note about cooking - if you've seen pictures of our apartment or have been here before,

you would know that we have an open concept kitchen that is pretty much in the living room, surrounded my carpets.

Because of that, cooking is a delicate process that involves alot of thought to ensure that it doesn't cause the whole apartment to smell like oil and cooking food.

Trust me,

it is not pleasant when your bedsheets and sofa and clothes in the walk-in wardrobe smell like food.

It's not a smell that disappears if you keep the doors open and stuff.

It's an entire process of deodorising that we have to undertake.

Husband and I, we are both extremely anal and completely paranoid about the cooking that goes on in our apartment, because we are both awfully against our apartment smelling like anything but nice.

I would NOT trust anyone to cook in our apartment without supervision and instruction (except husband of course),

and that would completely defeat the purpose of having people around to help so I can rest.

And no, there are no coffee shops round the corner where you can buy food home for dinner, so for those couple of weeks, cooking will be the only option.

And on that note, I think husband having to stress about cooking for the 2 of us is enough.

It's not fair for him to have to think about cooking for other people as well.

It is important that we eat well during that time,

but it's also important that I don't have to stress about it during that time.

In regards to the little one,

we've chosen to have him,

so we've also chosen to take care of him.

Whether it be feeding, bathing, changing nappies, or soothing.

Fifth,

we have no space in the apartment for visitors.

Spare room is the little one's nursery now.

All we have is the living room with 1 queen-size sofa bed and 2 sofa couches.

And only 1 bathroom/toilet.

I need to be able to settle in the living room sofa for feedings with the little one, including the night time feedings.

Which, I'm sure you can imagine, would be a little difficult with people sleeping there.

Even if they plan on only coming alone or as a pair or only a few people,

that would be a pain in the a** to manage because people would protest about it being unfair.

You know the "why she can go but I can't" thing?

Like if my mummy brings my ah ma, then my wai po would feel it's unjust wouldn't she?

Or like if my mummy brings drago, then my sisters would protest endlessly wouldn't they?

And understandably so too!

But to be perfectly honest,

having visitors will not help us or relieve our workload one bit,

it will only add to it.

Visitors mean extra bedsheets, towels, pillows, blankets.

Visitors mean extra food to be purchased with the limited budget we already have.

Visitors mean extra gas, electricity, water expenditure, again with the limited budget we already have.

Visitors mean extra laundry.

And before you say they can do their own laundry, think about what happens when they leave and leave behind all that pending laundry.

I really don't think we will have the energy and money to handle all that.

Plus, being December,

all nearby holiday apartments are either exorbitantly priced (think $1500-$2000 for 1 week in a 2 bedroom apartment) or have been fully booked out (I've checked).

That's not fair to my loved ones to have to shell out money like that, and it would give me an extreme guilty conscience, whether I like it or not.

And again to be honest,

I want my husband to be around me when he can,

not out chauffeuring people around or to/from our place and their accommodation.

I really would rather not.

Sixth,

I'm told that I need to sleep when the baby sleeps.

And I have no doubt about that.

But with my loved ones over here,

how can I bear to just go and sleep?

It would be the first time I've gotten to hang out with them in a long long while,

and it would make me very sad if I can't maximise my time with them.

Sad :(

you know?

Seventh,

wouldn't the visitors want to spend that time and money to visit when the little one is a bit more settled and alert?

Instead of a newborn that does nothing but feed, sleep, poop, scream and fuss,

wouldn't it be more fun and engaging to be around an alert baby who can respond and smile and play with you?

Again,

I sincerely sincerely apologise if anyone reads this and feel hurt.

But like I said earlier,

I dunno how else I can say it besides stating the facts.

Please understand where I'm coming from,

and I implore, plead and pretty-please-with-a-cherry-on-top all of you wonderful people to see where we're coming from,

and take all our reasons into consideration when deciding.
Give us some time... just a few weeks.
That's all we ask for...

I'm not the only person stressing out about it.

Husband is too.

He wants to be there for me 100% post-birth, 

so that I can be there for our son 100%.

But he is extremely fearful and afraid that he won't be able to do so if his time and energy is diverted to others and somewhere else.

I feel for him, and I'm trying to make this work so this new baby thing won't have adverse effects on the wonderful marriage we have right now.

He has already successful persuaded his mum to not come to visit in those early days,

because of the same reasons as stated above in this post.

More perhaps.

But it is an ongoing that battle for us,

because anything can change her mind at any time.

We don't want another war to break out just because she agreed not to come because we asked,

but "why they can but I can't?"

Know what I mean?

I know baby xander is well loved and everyone is supremely excited about his arrival.

And you have no idea how thankful I am for that.

But we are trying to strike a balance here,

so that everyone will be happy and no one is left out.

And that includes, the little one, my husband, and me.

Can you see how difficult the situation is for us, being caught in the middle?

I don't want the happy and joyous occasion of our son's birth be marred by such insignificant battles.

I really don't.

I don't even know when our child will be born.

Yes, EDD is 5th December.

But we all know babies don't necessarily arrive on their due dates.

In fact, in my heart, I've always had this feeling that Xander would be a November baby and he'll be here by the time December rolls around.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is born at 37 or 38 weeks gestation, instead of the full 40 weeks.

Of course this is just a gut instinct and I could be wrong (I hope I am),

but I was right that baby is a boy, so this may be right too.

*shrugs*

Who knows? Xander may go waaay overdue and arrive at 42 weeks, which is the latest we can go before induction.

Without knowing, it'll be difficult for people to make travel plans.

And goodness knows last-minute flight tickets are crazy to get.

And, it's Xmas season.

Need I say more?

This is something that has driven me to tears time and time again,

and my husband can vouch for that, 

for he has had to deal with those tears gingerly.

I really don't know how long I can continue stressing about this,

without it affecting the rest of my pregnancy.

I really really hope we can be free of visitor-induced stress for at least the first 3-4 weeks of my baby son's life,

so that I can get into the rhythm of motherhood,

so that I can recover from the labours of childbirth,

so that we can find our feet again and step on solid ground.

I love my family.

I love them to no end.

I really want to share my joy and this most exhilarating experience of life with them.

But I've had to prioritise and think about it from all points of view.

So I hope they can understand too.

If they decide that "nothing can stop me from coming in december" (quoting my mummy dearest) then I will suck it up and deal with it regardless.

But I hope not.

This makes me wish I was in Singapore,

because then people can come and visit everyday for all I care,

as long as they leave at the end of the day to allow us some privacy.

But I'm not :(

This morning didn't start well, and it put me in this funky mood,

making me stress about all kinds of stuff.

I don't wanna make things worse by discussing it in detail,

but all I'll say is that it involves my mother-in-law, our customary wedding ceremony that happened almost 2 years ago, and some photos my mummy posted on her facebook a long time ago.

Sigh.

Something that happened 2 years ago has come back to bite us in our a**.

I knew there was always gonna be something about the wedding that will come back and haunt us constantly.

I believe there is something else that caused the uproar, 

an underlying reason for why it was bothering her that much.

We can speculate, but we don't know for sure.

My speculation is that our decision to not baptize our son as a Catholic is not sitting well with her.

I respect her wishes and her beliefs,

but we, as parents, also strongly belief that we have the final say when it comes to deciding what religion our son should be brought up with.

And our final say is that he is free to decide for himself what he wants to be when he comes of age and is able to make that decision.

In the meantime, growing up,

we will expose him to both sides of the coin.

Catholicism from his daddy's side, 

and Buddhism from his mummy's side.

He will be exposed and allowed to take part in both, but the decision will not be forced upon him.

If he so decides that religion is not for him and he would rather stay free from it,

then good for him for having a mind of his own.

We want to be fair parents, who can give our children the tools and freedom to make their own choices in matters such as this.

We want to guide and offer our support and advice, but not propagate.

Perhaps not everyone will understand that, 

but he is after all our son and we do have the final say in how he is brought up.

He will be brought up (if we have our way) with love, compassion, empathy, intelligence and charity.

He will be brought up knowing that mummy and daddy are here for him every step of the way, guiding him towards the life he will ultimately lead and the person he will ultimately be.

He will be brought up knowing that he is free to make his own decisions, as long as they are well-informed ones and they are in line with the qualities we instill in him as a person.

His religious inclinations do not matter to me, and hence I do not want to force it upon him as an identity he has not chosen for himself.

So we have decided not to baptize him as a baby.

Is that wrong?

Well, husband's mum doesn't sound too happy with it.

So maybe that's what's causing her to get upset over other seemingly unrelated matters.

Sigh.

My head hurts and I think baby xander can sense my stress too,

cause he hasn't stopped squirming and kicking in there since this morning.

My insides hurt now.

Or maybe he can sense the turmoil that awaits him once he is born,

being stuck in the middle of so many families and people wanting a piece of him.

SIGH.