one of those days...

before i begin my ramblings,

selamat hari raya adilfitri everyone :) 

especially my rozy sayang who i know adores this occasion where she gets to enjoy the company of all her cousins and family and friends :)

it's one of those days today.

you know,

one of those days when the world seems a little bit dreary 

and there's so much on your mind that you feel like you're drowning.

yeah, it's one of those days today.

it's supposed to be the 10th day of spring,

but it has been cold and very wet the past 10 days.

so wet that we're no longer in a drought,

so wet that victoria is witnessing the worst floods in about 5 years or more.

i'm getting less and less sleep every night,

because sleep is punctured by wild dreams, bad dreams, discomfort, midnight pee sessions, etc.

i dreamed of a seriously massive wardrobe malfunction last night,

so much so that i woke up hot, sweaty and panting.

i was seriously upset that there was absolutely nothing i could wear and still look good in,

and it was working me into a frenzy.
and guess what?
in my dream, i was just trying to dress for a funeral.
nothing fancy schmancy.

this morning, 

i woke up to a real-life wardrobe crisis.

i decided on my maternity tights and black knit sweater last night.

i changed out of it after looking at myself in the mirror.

then i changed again.

then i was satisfied.

then it started to pour outside,

and i had to change again cos those pants would just get wet and the shoes i would wear would be destroyed too.

so i changed.

and i changed.

and i changed again.

i'm back in my maternity tights and black knit sweater.

i still don't like how i look,

but i was running late for work.

*shrugs*

husband woke up early and made me a full breakfast.

with crumpets and scrambled eggs.

he made his own too, but didn't get to eat it cos he was busy packing my lunch and my daily stash of snacks while i gobbled down my breakfast.

so his breakfast turned cold :(

but he was cheery still.

he sent me out to the train station, carrying my heavy bag,

while his breakfast continued to turn colder on the table.

then instead of just dropping me off at the station,

he came down with me, carrying the giant umbrella to shelter me from the rain.

all while his breakfast continued to turn cold at home.

then he waited with me on the platform,

and kissed me goodbye when the train came.

i believe i haven't done anything good enough to deserve this man,

and he had to eat cold breakfast because of my wardrobe meltdown :(

but he was unfazed...

i got a glucose test to go for tomorrow morning.

blood draws and awful sugary drinks.

yucks.

i hope gestational diabetes leaves me the hell alone.

i can't remember which test i'm supposed to be taking... GTT or GCT.

that'll decide if i need to fast for 12 hours.

gotta go home and check the referral slip.

appointment with the physio tonight at 7pm for more work on my knee.

so dinner will be late :(

pilates tomorrow morning at 8am.

might have to cancel if i need to fast for the glucose test.

we've got an engagement party to go to in the city tomorrow evening for one of baby's colleagues.

cue wardrobe meltdown again.

i have absolutely no idea what i'm gonna wear,

cos i sure as hell can't fit into any teeny weeny cocktail dress i own,

and i don't really fancy trying squeeze my giant humongous butt and belly into any other clothes that "might fit".

i wanna wear something pretty for once, for baby.

but the weather and my wardrobe says no :(

i'm seriously tempted to hibernate under the covers in bed, wearing nothing else but baby's big ol' tees until this belly pops.

pretty please?

and i've never been to an engagement party before.

gifts?

no gifts?

what's the etiquette?

bleah...

so i went on an online shopping spree today at work.

retail therapy at it's very best.

bought a giant bottle of dermalogica facial wash for baby... 500ml for $69.

although he insisted he doesn't need it yet, 

i just had to do it.

we can keep it in the cupboard until he needs it.

after all his current bottle has been in use since march,

how much longer can it last right?

right.

made a booking for a 3D/4D ultrasound scan for xander baby.

25 september,

when he'll be about 30 weeks.

i'm sorry but 12 weeks is way too long to wait to see xander baby again.

if our doctor doesn't think any more ultrasounds are necessary until just before i'm due,

i'm gonna do this.

don't care.

$250 for a 1 hour session with dvd and images and blah blah blah.

we can use this scan to confirm if xander really is xander,

instead of being surprised with a lexi in december.

appointment hasn't been confirmed yet, 

but hopefully within these few days.

went onto destinationmaternity.com and ordered more maternity clothes.

this will be my 3rd order with them,

and most definitely my last of this pregnancy.

at most i'll go back after xander baby is born to order nursing wear and bras.

everything i've ordered from them before have been worn and worn over and over again the last 6 months,

and i have no regrets whatsoever with my purchases.

worth every little US cent.

but i must say, this is my biggest order to date.

oops.

i know i only have 3 more months to go here,

but i've still got a whole heap of growing to do apparently,

and i'm thinking after birth i'll still look at least 5 months pregnant for some time until i get my figure back.

so in the meantime, i can still wear them right?

and they'll come in handy for the next pregnancy.

ok i'm just justifying my purchase to myself now, 

but dammit i need those clothes!

i won't even mention how much i spent there.

but i ordered about 20 items (skirts, dresses, shirts, tops, bra, etc) and everything was at $9.99, $11.99, $16.99. 

i think there was 1 or 2 $24 ones there.

that's good right?

when we went shopping this past weekend and looked at maternity clothes here,

there was nothing below $80.

and target only had size 14s and above.

plus they looked HORRIBLE and DISGUSTING.

wth.

just because we're pregnant doesn't mean we're fat you idiots.

i only need a freaking size 10 at most.

can you blame me for turning to online stores?

oh and i picked mostly clothes i can still wear after baby is born.

stretchy tees and pretty dresses that don't have the tell-tale maternity-wear side-ruching happening.

now,

it's time for Operation Clear-My-Wardrobe-And-Get-Rid-Of-Clothes-That-I-Can't-Wear-So-They-Can't-Sit-There-And-Mock-Me.

they'll all be packed up and stored away in boxes.

and clothes i'll never ever ever be able to wear again or just look plain outdated will go to the recycling bin.

i'm determined now.

my new life is beginning,

and it needs a new wardrobe.

the only problem now?

clothes will take up to 10 days to arrive.

bleah.

so wardrobe crisis for engagement party tomorrow will still exist.

and also for the first few work days next week.

yay me :(

argh.

i hate this funky mood.

6 more weeks at work,

and i feel like i'm done already.

i'm at that stage where i'm counting down the days and i just can't be bothered to do anything anymore.

wth.

i can't wait for maternity leave to start and i can stop coming in to work.

countdown: 42 days to my last day on 22 October.

vice-chancellor of monash uni said to the press that their pipeline is drying up and they're losing international student numbers.

you know who their pipeline is?

monash college.

and that's where baby works.

and there, he teaches international students only.

he's only casual,

so no contract or anything.

got students, he got class, then he got income.

no students, he got no class to teach, then how?

what does that mean for us and our income?

you go figure.

we're constantly on the lookout for new job opportunities for him,

but it's not looking too upbeat from where i'm standing.

sigh.

he's trying so hard,

and still insisting i should stay home with baby and don't have to go back to work so soon.

i feel so bad,

but what else can i do besides support him and make sure we don't splurge on unnecessary expenses.

ironic i know, given what i said about my shopping spree today.

but know that i do this once in a blue blue moon and i know better than to buy stuff i don't need.

and i need those clothes dammit!

at least it wasn't a $3k miu miu bag or $800 kate spade bag.

but i guess this probably means that whatever teensy bit of hope i had in my heart 

that we could take xander baby home for a few weeks to singapore for my birthday next year 

would have to be shelved for a later date.

although i really wanna be able to bring him home for family and friends to see him (some for the very first time),

our financial circumstance would dictate if it can happen or not.

it'll depend on whether we can shell out about $3000 for all 3 of us to come home in june.

$3000 that we can afford to lose.

doesn't look likely :(

sponsors?

by then, it would have been more than a year since i last went back this past chinese new year,

and i miss singapore already.

but i also know that things can change,

and things can get better.

we just need to keep our head held high and keep going.

who knows?

maybe by june next year we can make plans to go home for good.

hope i didn't just jinx ourselves :)

ah well.

wish us luck in the job hunt...

pray for us and hopefully baby will find something good very soon...

1 income is better than no income.

gosh my writing is crap today.

nothing makes sense.

pardon me.

as an afterthought:

despite everything that sucks,

sitting here and feeling xander baby wriggle and squirm in my belly,

knowing i'm gonna go home to a loving husband and a warm, comforting hug,

all's good.

like baby says - 

i'm not fat, i'm carrying his child.

i can have messy frizzy hair and wearing rags for all he cares, and he'll still love me.

when push comes to shove, he'll still pick me no matter what.

and i trust him, 

so all's good.

:))))

so what if we have to survive on less income?

so what if we have to give up movie outings and eating out?

who says we would have the time or energy to do all that after xander is born anyway?

so it doesn't matter :)

we'll have no problems keeping the roof over our head and our bellies full.

with all the heating, gas, water, electricity we need.

that's all that matters.

we've been through BAD times before,

and we're no where close yet.

so what's there to worry about?

i know i've dealt with much worse stuff since i was 12,

and i made it out alive and well didn't i?

i had to do it alone then,

but now i have a committed partner.

so there's nothing to worry about.

keep going, and we'll make it :)