CD20

28 June 2012, Thursday

From the looks of my basal body temperature this morning, the big O happened yesterday. Right on schedule, unlike last month. I'll have to wait and see if the higher temps persist for the next 3 days to be sure, but I'll be surprised if it didn't happen yesterday.

Would totally explain my insane libido that has left the husband gasping for air in the past week ;)

This month's baby-making sex has not felt the least bit like baby-making sex. It has been beyond awesome and like I said to the husband last night in the midst of our late-night rendezvous, now I'm not so sure if I'd like another child to come along and cramp our style again. After all, it has taken the best part of almost 2 years for our sex life to return to its former glory days, a.k.a. Before X.

Oh well. If there is another little blip (totally hung up on Fifty Shades as you can tell if you've read it too) growing inside me now, then I'll enjoy this new-found libido for as long as I can, before surrendering to new-baby exhaustion again. And when baby #2 turns 18 months once more, I hope to return to our glory days once more. It really is quite fun ;)

But yes, it's cycle day 20 today and I have all things crossed that we managed to catch the big O yesterday.

Last night I had a weird dream, reminiscent of the kind of weirdo dreams that I got when I was pregnant before. I was at least 20 weeks pregnant with a swelling belly but for most of the dream, it was like I completely forgot that I was pregnant. So I went with Jude to try and see my midwife, who then made me go and see my OBGYN who delivered X the last time. And then I found myself back in school, with some secondary school mates around me, but with my Primary 6 teacher at the helm of the classroom, who appeared to be very pregnant. But at the same time, we were in our own clothes, so more like polytechnic days. I remember staring at the pregnant profile of my teacher, feeling oddly jealous and envious. Then I reached down subconsciously and rubbed my own belly, and suddenly realising that "oh hey! I've got a pregnant belly too!". And I then proceeded to freak out because I couldn't remember how far along I was and what the heck was I going to do?! I can't remember what else happened next, and next thing I knew, I woke up with a toddler sleeping on my dead left arm.

Odd.

After seeing my temps this morning, I realised that "shit. this is it. either it has happened already and there's no turning back, or we live to try another month." And I say shit because some days I still have serious doubts whether this is something I truly want. To be pregnant again and to have another baby. I've expounded on this time and time again, but the fact is that I'm still a little scared. To be pregnant and still single-handedly caring for my active toddler. And studying. And staying out of the loony bin. And not driving my husband right into the loony bin. And staying alive. And keeping all of us alive. Ha-ha. Then there's the whole newborn insanity that awaits.

Please remind me why I wanna do this again?

Oh perhaps it's because the idea of never carrying another life in my belly again, never feeling another kick in my tummy again, never experiencing the joys of childbirth again, all makes me wanna curl up in a little dark corner and weep.

And perhaps it's the deep-set belief in me that our family is not complete yet and the little picture frame needs one more sweet angel face to make it complete and whole.

So this is what I've signed up for.

I'm scared, but excited. Nervous, but anticipatory.

I guess I do want to be pregnant and have another baby now. Now now now. So we can move on to the next phase of our lives and enjoy our little family.

But for now, I'm savouring the falling in "love" with my husband all over again bit. And desperately wishing for the next 2 weeks to fly by as quickly as possible to put myself out of the two-week-wait misery.