CD17

As the title post suggests, it's cycle day 17 today. OPKs still registering na-da, and temps are still hovering around 36.30 degrees celcius. We're still religiously doing the jiggy every 2 days, but it's obvious that it is taking its toll on husband. I'm sorry husband, but the things we have to do to make a baby huh? I've bought another set of OPKs, which consists of 7 test strips, so I'll keep using them. For one more week. If this set runs out and nothing happens still, I don't know what I'll do. Keep going? Or just wait and see. Well, I've got 7 days to think about it.

This morning, husband woke me up and took me to the beach near our place for an early morning breakfast picnic and beach-side walk. It was the loveliest Sunday morning we've shared in a long long time. We sat and chatted, and decided on names for our future little ones. We also agreed that no matter what happens, or doesn't happen, we'll be happy because we can be happy with each other. If we do not get blessed with little ones to share our love with, we'll keep going. Maybe get ourselves a puppy or 2, travel the world, and buy ourselves a sports car each. The 2-seater kind. The kind that baby car seats will never fit into. Obviously, little ones would complete our family and make us the happiest people on Planet Earth, but we don't know what fate has in store for us right?

All I know is that I've become the person I vowed not to be - obsessed with TTC and not willing to see beyond that fact that we're having troubles conceiving. It is the first thing on my mind when I wake up (not hard considering I'm charting at the moment), and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed at night (again, not difficult when I'm taking Conceive Well supplements at night). I'm over-analysing every single body signs I get - sensitive boobs, cervical mucus, twinges in my lower abdomen, blah blah blah. I'm pissing myself off even.

I know that I have ghosts that need to be laid to rest, and I hope that can be done without seeing a counsellor or psychologist. How can I do that? One step at a time. Gotta first let my past go and accept that fact that things have gone the way they have and there's not one thing I can do about it. Gotta learn to accept that I need to let things go. I realised that in order for a new soul to come into my body and my life, I first need to make space in my heart and in my life. Until recently, it didn't occur to me that my heart is so full of hurt, regret, and love for what's beyond my reach, that there is no way there could be space for someone else. But now I know, and I think coming to that realisation has helped me make peace with myself. It will take me some time to really feel right again and when the day comes that the weight gets lifted off my shoulders fully, I will hopefully also be fully ready to nurture a new life in me. But since we're already trying so damn hard to make that happen, I'll just have to catch up. I read that sometimes psychological and emotional blocks can affect fertility, so I'm going to try my darnest to make sure I'm not just physically, but also emotionally and psychologically ready for a new child in our lives.

Oh I'm blabbering again, but this is all I can do, considering I can't really say any of this to anyone else at the moment, so indulge me will you?

TTC when you have problems with your plumbing can really really suck sometimes. Clomid is a drag, and more of the drag, is timed intercourse. Spontaneity goes out the freaking window and making love feels like a drag sometimes.

I''m so convinced that this first round of clomid has failed and my body is not responding to it... yet? But I know it's only CD17 and chances are I'm only halfway through my cycle and there is still a small chance. But if my 30 day cycles are anything to go by (those 2 normal cycles I had right after I went off the pill and before my periods went MIA), ovulation any later than this would mean a shorter luteal phase and probably not conducive to supporting a pregnancy anyway. But then again, some say Clomid extends your cycles so maybe it will still happen. But again, aren't you supposed to ovulate 4 to 9 days after your last Clomid dose? I had that on day 9, so it's 8 days now. Does that mean that tomorrow if nothing happens, then nothing will happen? Hopefully the OPKs will tell me something good soon. OMG. I'm obsessing again. STOP IT!

Well, apparently it takes most people approximately 3 rounds of Clomid to see anything happen, so I'm hoping. If this first round's a dud, we'll keep going. Whatever it takes. BUT NO OBSESSING. Relax and it'll happen right? Right. Ha.