Cycle Day 11

It is finally day 11 of this cycle, which means we have entered into the fertile week of the cycle. It has felt like forever for us to get to this point since the start of our TTC journey but now that it is here, it feels a little daunting. I’m not sure whether I’m doing things right and that is stressing me out. Clomid from days 5 to 9, so when would I ovulate? I’ve been trying to figure this out, but nothing seems to be giving me a straight out answer. I don’t even know if I will ovulate at all, if Clomid would work for me at all. We had sex day 9, but that was simply because we wanted to and wasn’t timed. Yesterday we skipped it, because I thought day 10 would be too early to do it and I didn’t wanna stress hubby out about it. But what if I missed it? Not likely, since I did an OPK which turned out negative around 1pm, so it probably hasn’t happened and the ship hasn’t really set sail yet. But I can’t help worrying. OPK instructions say that the day to start testing depends on the length of my average cycle. But I haven’t had a cycle in 7 months! Before that, I was on the pill so how do I know what my average cycle would be? I was tempted to just test anyway, but then got worried about wasting the test strips since they’re not exactly cheap. But instead of killing myself by stressing about it, I went ahead and tested. As expected, negative. So no need to do the baby dance yesterday. Oh I’m blabbering I know… just let me indulge myself. It’s just all so damn confusing and I need to whinge. Temps are still generally low at around 32.5 degrees celcius and I don’t know whether I can trust my CM, since Clomid does affect that a little. I’ll get some love from my hubby tonight and possibly tomorrow or Wednesday night as well. So hopefully our efforts will be enough.

For 3 years now, I’ve yearned for a child of my own. And the worst feeling is one of insane jealousy at other pregnant women. I had an ingrained hatred for all those people who got pregnant and then got married because of that reason, and it drives me crazy. I know it’s none of my business that they have made such a choice, but it pisses me off because a baby should not be a reason to get married and no matter what other people say, I am entitled to my opinion. This feeling has steadily grown to be bigger and nastier, ever since we started trying for a baby in March 2009 when I went off the pill. Why are people who are not fit and not in the right position to have a baby suddenly getting pregnant and having babies? Why does it seem so darn easy for them? Sex and bam! They’re up the duff. Some even say “oh we used condoms but don’t know why it still happened”. Ugh! Drives me bloody insane. Especially when nothing is happening for us after so many many months of trying. Makes me even madder when people who experience unplanned pregnancies get married, have the baby, then proceeds to not care about them and go on with life as though they are not already parents and have a little life depending on them. The feeling of why them and not me is so intense that it drives me to tears time and time again.

What’s worse than that, is having pregnant people hanging around me all day. It’s like they’re rubbing it into my nose that they can and I can’t. I know it’s not fair because they don’t know what I’m going through, but I can’t help it! Which is why I say I feel like a horrible horrible person. 

In the office, people are pregnant. It seems like everyone’s pregnant at the same time and have their tummies growing every day. Including my immediate line manager. Every day at work, all I hear is how she’s always hungry and tired, how her baby is sapping all her energy, how miserable she feels. And the next moment she’s all excited about it. Then she’s constantly reminding us that “excuse me, I’m 5 months pregnant, so I can’t [fill in the blank here]”. Then some other expectant colleague would come up to her and ask her about how her baby is going, and they start going off about what to buy and how they’re feeling, and blah blah blah. Ugh. I come close to snapping at them “shut up! I would willingly go through all of that discomfort and fatigue and crap if I had a baby to show for it!” but keep my cool because it’s none of their business that I’m desperately trying for a baby.

And what’s worse, is not being able to share with people. Which is mainly why I have this blog, but it’s not the same you know? I want to talk to my mum about it, about my fears and hopes, but I can’t because I know she will find it impossible to understand why I want a baby that badly. And the last thing I want is to have her discourage me “why? You should finish uni and work first, baby can come later”. My dad would say the same, if not worse. I can’t really discuss this with my sisters either, because they’re both still so young and probably won’t be able to comprehend. They’ll be supportive and excited, that’s for sure, but they won’t really know the difficulties we face. I know I can talk to my friends, but it just seems like such a personal subject that I have no idea how to broach it. And I don’t know if they’ll understand because we are at such different stages of our lives.

Maybe if this journey ends up stretching out to be longer than expected (it already is!), then I would try and open up to people close to me. Fortunately, I have my dearest husband on my side, who tries his darndest to understand and be compassionate about it all.

But through it all, I still feel alone some times, because it is so true when people say men don’t become fathers until the moment they lay eyes upon their newborn child. The attachment they have doesn’t start from the moment they are conceive and for women in my position, the attachment is formed at the trying stage. It is at this stage we start imagining what it will be like to have our children growing steadily inside us and what it will be like to one day hold them in our arms. Then we go all out to try and make it happen.

Each month that it doesn’t, the disappointment is so all-encompassing that it makes you doubt your own self-worth and makes you feel like a complete failure. My recurring thought throughout this journey so far, is that I must be paying for the wrong that I’ve done in the past to have such a basic human right (to procreate) taken away from me. That I feel like such a failure, to be disappointed by my own body like this. That I need assistance and intervention to get pregnant, when it should be something my body is able to let happen naturally. I know it’s all wrong to think this and to feel like this, but my self-worth is so steeped in inferiority that it’s difficult to get out of it.

Oh well. They all say don’t stress, relax and it’ll happen when the time is right. But that is something that is so much easier said than done. I know I can’t relax now. But what to do? There is actually so much we need to consider. If we have a child now, we give up our wish for our own home because 1 income means no mortgage approval. Which automatically means no new family car, again because 1 income means no loan approval. So technically speaking, I should be grateful that baby’s not coming to us yet? Maybe this extra time is someone out there trying to tell us to get all these sorted out first before we have ourselves a baby and only 1 income. Ugh. 

Why does life have to be so damn bloody complicated?