My Christmas Miracle

Oh how I've missed blogging...

Things have been hectic and tiring,

so pardon the lack of updates...

First of all, the immediate questions answered.

How's Xander?

Xander is 3 weeks and 1 day old today.

And he is growing so fast, so very very fast.

Like a weed.

It almost feels like blink and you'll miss it.

Even Chloe wakes up in the morning and says "I think he's bigger today".

See, this was him when he first came home 3 days post-birth...

And this is him a few days ago...

In the past week or so, he seems to have "woken up" and found his voice.

He sleeps less and has more quiet awake time when he is alert and taking in his surroundings.

A big change from before when all he did was sleep, cry, eat, poop, and sleep again.

He has also started to interact alot more with us by making coo-ing sounds when we talk to him,

as though he is trying to answer our questions and talk to us.

It's the cutest thing, those little "aahs" and "goos" :)

But it is still happening so infrequently and randomly that our efforts to video him doing that has been nought so far.

We'll keep trying ;)

Xander has also started smiling...

More often than not, it happens when he's attached to my boob and happily nursing away...

A smile sneaks out and melts my heart.

I've had him smile at me once, in response to a big coo-ing smile I gave him,

and I think he smiled at his daddy once too.

I don't think he knows what he's doing yet, but it still is the sweetest sight to behold :)

We can't wait till he really starts smiling and laughing!

One thing I never realised before was how noisy little babies are when they sleep.

Xander makes SO much noise when he's sleeping that at the beginning it was really funny and disconcerting.

Now we've kinda gotten used to it.

He would let out little cries, grunt, whine, clear his throat, snort, etc etc etc when he's sleeping.

To make sure that he is really awake, 

we have to wait for really insistent cries from him,

otherwise we'd just end up waking him up unnecessarily.

That's one thing I learned on the go.

Sucks in the middle of the night though,

when I'm "programmed" to listen out for his cries.

So every little sound he makes I wake up,

then I stay up listening and making sure he's still asleep.

That makes for a very sleep deprived mama.

*shrugs*

He is not sleeping very long at night yet,

and I'm not holding my breath for him to do so anytime soon unfortunately.

For example last night.

He went down at about 9.30/9.45pm after his last evening feed.

Then proceeded to wake at 12.45, 3, 4.50 and 7am.

Each time, it takes about half an hour to an hour to feed, change and settle him back down to sleep again.

Fun times.

Next question....

How's me?

I'm still deep in the recovery process from 9 long months of pregnancy, labour and childbirth.

Unfortunately, because we chosen the route of breastfeeding the little one,

recovery is going much slower than usual.

Mainly because I have to be the one tending to him every time he gets hungry, which is every 2-3 hours (or less when he goes through his very frequent growth spurts).

There's no such luxury as having someone else feed him and deal with him while I sleep.

And we all know sleep is the biggest necessity when it come to healing and recovery.

Oh well, small price to pay to give him the best start to life possible.

And I know he's thriving immensely on the breast milk I'm providing for him, so no complaints there.

Is it difficult?

Hell yeah.

I'm not gonna lie.

It's an amazing experience, breastfeeding your newborn...

but it's not all sunshine and rainbows either.

What with all the crazy postpartum and breastfeeding hormones running amok in my system,

and combined with the chronic lack of sleep with no end in sight,

to say my mood swings have been insane would be the understatement of the century.

I've lost count of the number of times I've broken down and cried, feeling completely crappy and sad.

It's one of those situations where you're just so tired you don't know if what you're doing is worth it at all.

There are times when I see the sun setting in the horizon and a deep sense of dread washes over me,

because I know from this point on, I'm alone.

Everyone else will be asleep while I deal with the baby.

Then there are times when I approach the nights with peace and calm, but as the night goes on and morning approaches,

the night's activity and lack of sleep takes its toll and I just wanna ignore those 6/7 am cries and bury my head under the covers and sleep.

BUT.

Having said all that, I still look down at the little one in my arms when he's quietly nursing and feel like everything's gonna be okay as long as he's okay.

And it gets so much better when 7am rolls around and his daddy wakes up and takes over baby duty,

waking me only when he really needs to feed.

And even then, nursing while lying on my side in bed is god-sent I tell ya.

Cos I just fall right back to sleep with him nursing, and his daddy watching over to make sure he's ok.

So at the end of the day, all's good.

We work as a team and our teamwork is working ;)

Baby cooks, cleans, fetches stuff for me when I'm trapped on the couch feeding our son, and most importantly showers love and a whole load of TLC on me when I need it.

That gives me the strength to keep going.

And no, I'm not considering taking the easy way out by giving up on breastfeeding.

No deal.

No matter what everyone says about it being so much easier.

I'll sever ties with anyone who dares try to take my child and feed him formula without my consent or without it being absolutely necessary.

At the end of the day,

my love for our baby boy triumphs over everything else and I'm willing to work my ass off for it.

Even though my stitches are not completely healed yet,

even though I'm still sore down there,

and even though recovery in general is a b*tch.

No one said having a baby was easy.

But I made this choice consciously,

and I'm happy with my choice.

In fact, I can no longer imagine life without our precious baby boy.

This time last year,

I was in a state of despair.

Because we were having problems conceiving despite months of trying.

I remember thinking,

all I want for Christmas is a little one to love... was that too much to ask for?

This year, I got what I wished for :)))

And I'm ever so grateful.

Next year, he'll be one come this time of the year.

Then he'll be able to better enjoy the holidays with us.

I'm looking forward to having him "help" with setting up next year's X'mas tree,

and running after him to keep little nosy hands out of the hanging decorations.

Fun times ahead ;)

Hey there little one,

you are my Christmas miracle.

And no matter what you grow up to be,

I'll always treasure having you in my life.