Jinxed.

I've known baby for so long, and he's usually calm and composed. I could probably count on 1 hand how many times I've seen him break down. Okay maybe 1 and a half hands.

But hearing him trying his darnest to hold it together while talking to me on the phone at the hospital damn near broke my heart.

I hate it when he cries, because it means either he's really really upset or hurt, or someone he truly loves and cares for is hurting. 

In this case, I think it's both and coupled with fear and perhaps some guilt that he can't do much to help.

It must have been so difficult for him when his mum saw him and started crying, but I'm immensely proud of him for holding it all together for the sake of her.

After talking to him on the phone, 

I had a short crying bout before I could sleep.

Not so much because I miss him (which I obviously do),

but more because he sounded like he needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to kiss away his tears, to hug him and tell him it'll be okay.

That someone should be me. 

But I'm not there.

That breaks my heart too.

I promised to be there for him through good times and bad, and somehow it feels like I'm betraying our vows.

I know I'm not, but I can't help feeling that way.

I sprung his age-old buddies on him, hoping that at least some people will be there for him while he's there for her.

It's the best I can do from here.

Baby, I know I'm nagging, so forgive me.

I love you and I'm thinking about both you and your mum all the time.

Missing you...

As for this little one here,

we're 14 weeks today.

:)

That puts a smile on my face,

because I know Baby A is growing nice and strong.

I've thrown up my food more times in the last 2 weeks than all of the previous 6 weeks combined.

But I still feel ok.

At least I feel marginally better after throwing up and it's better than the constant nausea and not knowing when or whether I'll throw up.

I've got my mummy here to rub my belly and I'm officially in maternity pants most of the time already.

I hope baby remembers how my belly looks like before he went back to SG, and perhaps we'll surprise him with a ginormous one when he comes back ;)

It's truly nice to have my mummy and brother around, because the house is not silent.

And also because I've miss my mummy, and waking up in the morning, smelling her scent, is incredibly comforting.

Feels almost like home.

Mummy has this signature scent that she brings with her no matter where she goes... it's wonderful :)

Having her around to talk to about how she went with her pregnancies with us, her memories of us being born, etc is really really nice...

Feels like there's this continuity from generation to generation that feels amazing.

Shopping with mummy yesterday was like deja vu. 

It's our thing and we always went shopping together. 

If only my sisters could be around, now that would be almost perfect.

Perfect if my baby was here too.

I was thinking...

Did my gloating about this pregnancy jinx us all?

Did some greater being out there see my happiness and decided that I had too much?

Is it my fault that all these things are happening?

Would we have been able to avoid it if I was a little more controlled with my happiness?

I don't know...

Maybe I tempted fate and fate decided that I needed to learn my lesson, 

so devised up this scheme to make my husband go so far away from me.

Maybe?

Can't wait to hear baby's voice again...