What a lousy night.

Yesterday, I sent mummy and drago to the airport in the morning.

And that made me sad and emotional cos I had fun with them and I’m gonna miss them so.

Plus baby brother went all red-eyed and teary when we hugged and that almost set me off too.

Walking back to the car on my own was a lonely walk that I hated.

Drago left me his little grubby teddy bear, saying that it’s for my baby.

I told him to leave it in the car, and when I turned round to pick it up when I got home in the evening, it was for some funny reason strapped in the seatbelts in the back seat... it was so damn cute that it made me emotional all over again.

I think it’s a snub at me for constantly nagging at him to put on his seatbelt in the car cos he never had that habit in SG, but still, too cute.

Mummy left her jacket in the car too cos she didn’t wanna carry it on the plane, and when I was carrying it home in the evening, mummy’s smell was right there and it made me emotional too.

Walking into the empty and cold apartment, with just 1 towel on the rack, 1 toothbrush in the cup, was the down point and it just went downhill from there.

I blame it on the crazy hormones running through me now, so my crying jag in the shower and then later in bed was not my fault.

I hope it doesn’t get any worse than last night, cos it was bad enough as it was.

It didn’t help that it took me about 1 hour and 45 minutes to drive home, when the drive home from work should only take about an hour.

It certainly didn’t help that I was suffering from terrible terrible gastric pains the whole drive home and had to struggle to even sit up straight at the wheel.

Didn’t help that I had just thrown up at work and still felt like complete hell when I had to make the long and lonely drive home.

Nothing helped.

Turned on the hot shower, got in, and realised that if I slipped and fell in this tub, no one would know. So the crying jag came on.

And then the weather turned bad and winds of up to 100km/h were howling at me through the apartment, while I tried to nurse my gastric pain away with hot mushroom soup and some bread.

That didn’t really help either so I had to turn to my last resort of Mylanta antacid tablets that taste like hell and every time I take it, I have to hold my nose tight or I’ll start throwing up.

Lesson to take away from this: Drinking canned soup alone at home on a windy night while feeling sick like a dog is not fun. Not at all.

Baby tried his best by keeping up with sms-ing me from his mum’s bedside to try and keep me company, and for that I’m grateful.

For I know he’s usually more prudent with his trunk sms spending so the fact that he’s willing to negate that for me is pretty comforting.

I know he felt awfully helpless that he couldn’t do anything to help with my gastric and bad nausea and diarrhoea condition, but I guess it’s just a test of independence I somehow had to get through on my own.

Watched Masterchef on TV, which was strangely not satisfying without someone else around to bitch about the contestants with.

Went to bed at 8.30pm.

Called baby, but he was busy taking his mum for a walk, so waited for awhile before calling him back.

Then we talked.

But not for long cos he had to get back to his mum.

Towards the end of our chat, I started bawling, knowing I had to face the rest of the night alone.

And with an empty house, I can well and truly bawl without caring about other people hearing me and I having to explain to them.

But baby had to go. There was nothing he could do for me, so we hung up the phone and I continued on my own.

With brother’s teddy bear and my beloved duckie staring back at me.

Baby called me again later that night after he got home and we chatted some more. By then, I’d calmed down abit and we talked for a good 2 hours.

Although we didn’t talk about anything much in particular, it was just nice and comforting to hear his voice while I’m lying in bed. I can sorta pretend he’s there with me if I snuggled up to his pillow.

We talked about our little one.

About how I’ve been feeling our baby move almost all the time now.

Not just little bubbles anymore, but real movements like flips and turns.

I told him how I had my hand on my tummy while lying flat in bed, and I felt our baby flip or something, then suddenly there was this little round and hard ‘thing’ that I could feel with my fingers. Butt? Head? *shrugs* But oh how I wish baby was there to feel it too and to share that moment with me.

I can just imagine the light in his eyes and the amazement in his voice at that precise moment.

Then while we were chatting, I felt a kick right where I was rubbing my tummy, like the little one telling me that he/she is there and can hear me.

I had only just told baby the night before that I felt our baby kick for the first time and he sounded genuinely sad and disappointed that he missed it.

That made me really sad, even though this was supposed to be a momentous occasion that should have rang of happiness and excitement.

So last night, I told baby what I’d just felt and he was excited, but I could also sense the disappointment in his voice.

I can only hope that when the bigger kicks start in a couple of weeks, baby will be here to experience it already.

There are alot of things I can stand and get over, but not his disappointment or sadness.

When I told baby that our little one should be about 12 cm or bigger now, excluding arms and legs, he sounded truly amazed that our baby is that big already.

This little creature that we created out of love is growing steadily and starting to make his/her presence known.

I’ve scheduled our next BIG ultrasound for July 15th, the day before we fly to Gold Coast for our belated honeymoon/babymoon/anniversary celebration.

On that day, we will be almost 20 weeks and half way through with the pregnancy.

And on that day, we will find out whether our little one is healthy and happy in there.

Most importantly on that day, we will find out whether we have a baby boy or baby girl.

That day is less than 1 month away now, and baby has promised that he’ll be home for that big day.

So I have to trust that he’ll be home soon.

With one more month to go before we find out, I still have a feeling that we have a little boy waiting to meet us.

Mummy thinks we have a girl, and so does Drago.

What about you?

Make a vote and we’ll see who’s right :)

As for baby, he refuses to speculate, saying he’ll be equally happy with either, as long as he/she is healthy.

For me, I just wanna be able to say him or her, he or she with more certainty, and stop the he/she, him/her nonsense.

I was completely prepared to launch into a war of words with someone else who I know has been stalking this blog and being completely bitchy about it.

But baby knocked some sense into me, telling me that I’m bigger than such small behaviour and the focus here should be my life, my baby, my family.

Not someone else of inconsequential status.

So I shan’t.

But just another word of advice before I go: if my expressive and lengthy posts are not your cup of tea, I cordially invite you to stay away, because I have family and friends who appreciate and need my words for I’m so far away from them.

And they would stand up for me on that point.

Why some people think they can find my blog but I can’t find theirs is beyond me.

Every word in my blog is a true reflection of my feelings and thoughts, so say what you may.

 Hey there little one,

Just so you know, you’re 15 weeks and 4 days today.

And your first kick that mummy felt was at the super advanced age of 15 weeks and 2 days.

I have no doubt that you’ve got long arms and legs like mummy and daddy, and that soon you’ll be kicking and punching me in places not so desirable.

But for now, keep practicing so you can put on a good show for daddy when he comes home.

Daddy still wants me to tell you that he loves you and he’ll be back soon,

But I’ve told him to come back and tell that to you himself.

I love you with all my heart and will count down to the days we get to see you on screen again.

All we wish for is for you to be completely cooperative so we can see what we need to see, unlike the last time.

It’s no time to be camera-shy now alright? :)

Hey baby,

you've been sounding much more cheerful, relaxed and not so sick anymore these couple of days.

and that eases my mind quite a bit :)

there's nothing much i need to say to you here, because everything i need to say you already know through all other forms of my communication with you.

so all i'll say is i love you a whole heap and there's nothing else and no one else in this world that can replace you in my heart.

come home soon :)